In Which I Think About Loneliness

Sometimes this blog will be more than just reblogs of other stuff on Tumblr. I’m sure you can deal.

I’ve been thinking the past couple days, since reading some things a couple friends recently wrote, about loneliness. I think the main reason being with my friends is such an important thing to me, why I feel so much better about being in Nashville with college friends or in Los Angeles with my sister and her friends is that I can get very lonely if I’m not around people enough. This isn’t a constant thing, there are times when I really enjoy being alone, but if I go for a while without being around people with whom I have a deep connection, I can start to wish for my house to be haunted just for the company.

It’s a lot the same way with my deeper romantic relationships. My dating history is, let’s say, made up of years of nothing broken up by a few weeks of dating every so often. I’m not trying to complain about this or vent about how nobody wants to date me, I’ve never been someone who actively goes out and tries to find people to date. If I like someone I can tend to crush on them pretty hard for a while until it’s apparent nothing is going to happen, and I don’t really know how to do the whole dating scene thing. It’s gotta be someone I already know, usually. So I don’t date much. Sometimes that brings as much loneliness as not being around friends does. I have a bed that could easily sleep two, and I’ve learned that once I woke up next to someone I was dating, I’ve always felt like something is missing when I’m sleeping alone. But as I’m living with my parents and I’m not the kind of person to just go out and find people to sleep with anyway, I’m always asleep right in the center of my queen-size bed. But the desire for physical contact is always there. When I lived in Nashville I learned to like hugs as a way of showing affection between friends, and it’s an easy jump from liking hugs to realizing and understanding that there’s a part of me that is kind of always desiring a physically and emotionally intimate relationship.

In my current living situation, though, that’s hard to fix. I’m here in Charlotte until I’m done my thesis in December, and then I’m planning on trying to find a job and move. So it doesn’t seem like a great idea to try to start dating someone if I’m going to leave in 3 or 4 months. 3 or 4 months of a relationship is better than none at all, probably, but it just seems so risky and so possibly hurtful when I move. I’ve done the long-distance thing before and hated it, and it’s not something I want to do again. So what am I supposed to do? Try to find someone to date just so I can get that closeness for a few months, and then end things? That seems so selfish. Go out and find girls to hook up with so I can have the physical closeness without the mess of ending it when I leave? Not really my thing, if I’m listening to the better parts of myself.

I’ve recently met a group of people I really like being around, and it seems like they might help make my last few months in Charlotte good ones. But I think that since I’m not planning on permanently being here, I’m going to have to deal without the closeness dating someone might bring.

I don’t know, does all of this seem ridiculous?

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