It’s been a couple weeks now since I didn’t get that architecture job I interviewed for. Since then, a lot of people have told me it’s better I didn’t get the job, and I think that’s probably right. That’s how I’m trying to look at it anyway, as something I am better off not having. But it’s tough to think that way when my huge school loan bills are going into repayment in a month or two, and there aren’t any open architecture jobs in Charlotte.
I also miss creating things like I did in school or like I would be doing at a job. I’m still subbing, and that’s fine, it pays my bills, but it’s not the kind of thing I look forward to doing when I wake up in the morning, unless it’s a new grade or subject I haven’t subbed for yet. I thrive on new things, I have a short attention span that way, and during school I was making new things every day, even if it was just building on something I’d done the day before. Now the only new thing I think about in the mornings is whether or not the class I’m in will behave for me. You’re probably saying to yourself “Well, just start making things, then.” There are competitions I could probably enter, and a few friends of mine are doing creative work even without steady jobs, so why am I not doing the same thing?
My honest answer is I don’t really know. Maybe I’m just unmotivated. Maybe I get too distracted. Maybe I’m just lazy. But I do know myself really well, and know how my mind works and how I go about things, and I know that this kind of rut is something I just need to work through and let run its course.
I still love being in Charlotte and still know this is where I’m supposed to be. I still definitely wish I actually lived in Charlotte instead of Rock Hill, but at least I have the money for gas to go see my friends, to go to a bar or watch a movie or lose really badly at Scrabble to a girl who teaches little kids so of course she knows all the short words that score really high. Life is kind of strange right now, I don’t know whether to be depressed because my job or happy because everything else, and I still don’t know whether 28 is still young or already too old to do anything. I go back and forth. I am a vacillator, a perfect sine wave.